God Is Our Co-Pilot aka How To Get Lost On A Deserted Island
by Lone Wolfette
Summary: Shirley decides to take flying lessons & everyone gets separated on a deserted island.


God Is Our Co-Pilot   
aka   
How To Get Lost On A Deserted Island 

  
ONE   
Laverne & Shirley's apartment, late morning 

Shirley is looking at a flying brochure. 

Shirley- Laverne, this sounds so perfect for me, the season flyer. 

Laverne- Shirl, the last time you were in a plane, ya spilt hot coffee in the pilot's lap... and I ended up flying the thing! 

Shirley- But that was last time... Oh, I can just see all of us gliding through that wild blue yonder... 

Laverne (skepticall)- Did ya say gliding or falling? 

Shirley (agitated)- Gliding, gliding, I said gliding! 

Laverne (backing off)- Okay, ya don't hafta get snippy about it. 

  
**TWO**   
airport, a week later, afternoon 

Shirley (smiling, showing off her text book to everyone)- "How to learn how to fly in seven days". And to think, I completed the course in five days! 

Lauren (coming up next to Shirley)- Shirl, nothing against you, but I'm not feeling too good being this close to airplanes. Some of us can't stomache flight. 

Shirley (putting an arm around Lauren's shoulders)- Oh, c'mon. It'll be fun! I've been in the air numerous times... 

Lauren- How many times without an actual pilot? 

Shirley- Well, none. This'll be my first solo. 

Lauren- I ain't goin'. 

Laverne- Me, neither. 

Shirley- What?! Why not? Too chicken? Kristin and the boys are gonna go. 

Lenny (surprised)- What!? I never said I was goin'! I can't stand heights. 

Shirley- Great, three cowards. (turns to Kristin and Squiggy; they've been making out) Ahem! (they stop and look at Shirley) You two'll go in the plane with me, right? 

Kristin- Sure! It's exciting! 

Squiggy- Me, too! I'll go anywhere Kristin goes. 

Lauren (mmbling)- I'm gettin' nauseaus... 

Shirely (to Lauren)- Oh, c'mon. (to Kristin & Squiggy) Help me get these three aboard. 

Kristin & Squiggy- Okay! 

Shirely grabs Laverne by the hand and starts pulling. She gets her in the plane. Kristin is pushing Lauren and gets her in. Lenny makes a run for the gate. Squiggy runs ahead, slams the gate, and Lenny runs right into it. Dazed, Lenny comes peacefully. 

  
**THREE**   
in the plane, in the "wild blue yonder" 

Shirley is in the cockpit flying, of course. In the passenger area, Kristin and Squiggy are trying to calm down the three nervous wrecks. 

Laverne (chewing gum and clutching the seat)- I hated this the first time! 

Kristin (sitting next to Laverne)- C'mon, it's not that bad. We haven't even hit any turbulence? 

Lenny- You can hit stuff up here!? 

The plane hits a very small amount of turbulence. Lauren screams and hangs onto Lenny for dear life. 

Lauren- I don't like this! I don't like this! I don't like this!... 

Lenny (trying to pry Lauren off of him)- I don't wither... (he coughs) Lauren, I can't breath... (she lightens her grip... a little) Thanks. 

Squiggy- What the heck are you afraid of? 

O.S. Shirley- Kristin, Squiggy, could you two com'ere for a moment, please? 

They get up and go into the cockpit. 

Kristin- What's up? 

Shirley (nervously)- Well, it seems we hafta make an unscheduled landing. 

Squiggy- Why? 

Shirley- So we don't crash. 

Squiggy- Oh. That's a good reason. 

Kristin- Whadya mean? 

Shirley (quietly)- The plane's alost outta gas... I forgot to check it before we left. 

Kristin- Now, why would ya do a stupid thing like that? 

Shirley- Just go back there and tell the scare-dy-cats that we're gonna be landing, okay? 

They go back. 

Laverne- Whassa matter? 

Kristin- We're landing. 

Lauren (letting go of Lenny... finally)- We're what? (she pauses, then freaks) We're what!?!? 

Kristin (slapping her hand over Lauren's mouth) We're landing. There's a difference between that and the other way of reaching ground. (she pauses) You gonna be quiet now? (Lauren nods) Okay. (she takes her hand off and Lauren starts sreaming again) 

Lenny (covering his ears)- Maybe I should be more worried about goin' deaf!... 

Laverne- Lauren's got the right idea... It'lll be easier when we swan dive into the ocean. (she closes her eyes) 

Lenny- Swan dive?... (he starts yelling) 

Squiggy (covering his ears)- I can't hear myself think! 

Laverne- So, what else is new? (she peeks) 

Kristin- Listen, everyone just stay buckled up. We'll be safely down in no time! 

  
**FOUR**   
an island, a little while later 

The landing wasn't quite a success. Shirley forgot the landing gear and everyone got bumped around a bit, but no one got hurt badly. 

Laverne (complaining)- Shirl, I got bruises on top-a bruises! 

Lauren- I gotta headache... (she sits on a large rock) 

Lenny- Because ya headbutted me... Ow (he rubs his arm where she hit him) 

Squiggy- Complain, complain. I didn't get nutin'. 

Kristin- Same here. 

Shirley- I was the first to land hard and I didn't get hurt. 

Laverne (sarcastically)- Well, lucky you, Shirl! (she sits next to Lauren) Why did we hafta land? 

Shirley- We were runnin' outta gas. 

Lauren- 'Scuse me? Does that mean that we may not get off this island? 

Shirley- No... 

Lauren- Good. 

Shirely- ...unless it's deserted. 

Laverne, Lauren, & Lenny- What?! 

Shirley- Well, I guess I could radio for help... 

Laverne- You do that. (she gets up and goes over to Shirley) I'll go with ya. 

Laverne and Shirely go back towards the plane. 

Lauren- I still gotta headache... 

Lenny (sitting next to her)- Awwe... 

Lauren leans her head on his shoulder. 

Squiggy (disgusted)- Well, ain't that just repulsive! (turning to Kristin) C'mon, let's go see if there're any cannibals! 

Kristin and Squiggy walk into the woods. 

Lenny (quietly)- How long you think it'll take them to get lost? 

Lauren- How long do ya think it'll take Laverne and Shirley to get lost? 

Lenny (quietly)- Longer than it took us to get lost. 

  
**FIVE**   
at the plane, sometime later 

Shirley (coming out of the cockpit)- I just radioed for help. They should be comin' in a few hours. 

Laverne (looking around)- Shirl, do ya remember where we left the others? 

Shirley- No, I thought you knew... (realizes) Oh no! (she starts panicking) What're we gonna do? 

Laverne- Calm down, Shirl! We'll wait until help arrives, then we'll go find them. Who knows, they might find their way back here. 

  
**SIX**   
deep in the woods 

Kristin (looking around)- Where are we? 

Squiggy- Well, we sure ain't no where near civil- civ- ...people. (he sits on the ground) 

Kristin (sitting next to him)- It'll be dark soon... 

Squiggy- I betcha don't mean that in-a good way. 

  
**SEVEN**   
clearing 

Lauren is now laying on the groud. 

Lauren- I can't believe we're all separated and lost!... (she sits up) Lenny, what're ya doin'? (she looks over at him) 

Lenny (rubbing two sticks together)- I'm tryin' to get a fire goin'. 

Lauren- With two sticks? That'll take forever to work. (laying back down) We shoulda brought matches. 

Lenny- Why? (he puts the sticks down) I don't think we'll need a fire. 

Off in the distance, there's a howl. 

Lauren (sitting up quickly)- Uh, Len, maybe you oughtta keep tryin'. 

  
**EIGHT**   
at the plane, nighttime 

The girls are in the plane, but are unable to sleep. 

Shirley- I wish we hadn't gotten separated! 

Laverne- You keep wishin'. I hope there ain't any wild animals out there! 

Shirely- I wish for no wild animals! 

  
**NINE**   
deep in the woods 

Krstin (striking a match)- I'm glad I came prepared. (she lights the fire) Hey, Squig, ya found any food yet? 

Squiggy (coming back with a handful of raspberries)- I found some berries. 

Kristin (looking at the berries)- Raspberries! oh, Lauren loves raspberries... (she takes a few) Did ya wash 'em? 

Squiggy- Naw, I couldn't find a river. (starts eating) 

Kristin- It's much better than nothing! (start eating) 

  
**TEN**   
clearing 

Lenny didn't get a fire going before night, so they decided that one would keep watch while the other got some sleep. 

Lenny (to himself)- I never wanted to come... Why does stuff like this always happen to us?... Why... am I talkin' to myself? (he closes his eyes and falls asleep) 

  
**ELEVEN**   
at the plane, morning 

Laverne and Shirley come out of the plane. 

Shirley stretches and makes that squeaky sound she makes. 

Laverne- Shirl, do ya always hafta make that noise? 

Shirley- Yes, it lets out my built-up stress. 

Laverne- Oh. (she pauses) Shouldn't that rescue team have found us by now? 

Shirley- Well... 

Laverne- They might find us? 

Shirley- Well, they asked where we were and I don't know where we are so I told them how long we'd been flying. 

Laverne- Wonderful. We'll be all filthy by the time they find us... 

Squiggy- Hello! 

Kristin and Squiggy come out of the woods. 

Shirley- How'd ya find us? 

Krstin- We walked backwards, then turned around when we heard your voices. 

Laverne- I don't believe it. (she looks around them) Didn't you two find Lauren and Lenny? 

Squiggy- No... 

Kristin- We thought they'd've been back here by now. Lauren's got a pretty good sense of direction. (she pauses) Atleast she would if not for that headache... 

Shirley- Maybe we should all go look for them. 

Laverne- Listen, why don't we wait here a little while more, then go look incase they started back with the daylight. 

Kristin- Laverne's got a good point. 

Shirley- Okay, we'll wait a little while... 

  
**TWELVE**   
clearing 

Lauren is still laying on the ground, asleep. Lenny couldn't sleep on the ground, so he stretched out on the large rock. He rolls in one direction and falls off. 

Lenny (coming up from behind the rock)- Now, that's a wake up call! (he stands up, goes around to the other side, and sees Lauren still asleep) C'mon, get up. (he kicks her leg) It's morning. (he kicks her again - nothing) Lauren? (he kneels down and sees she's pale as a ghost) Hey... (he puts a hand on her forehead) ...she's burnin' up... Boy, flying really didn't agree with her... Uh... (he starts looking around, trying to figure out what to do) I gotta find the others... (he picks up Lauren and starts, sort of, going in the direction of the plane) 

  
**THIRTEEN**   
at the plane, a few hours have passed 

Everyone is bored. 

Kristin- Maybe we should go look for them now. (she yawns) 

Laverne- But what if they come back while we're lookin' for 'em? 

Shirley- That clearing we left them at was only about twenty minutes from here. (she stands up) I'm gonna go look for them! 

Kristin (standing up)- Me, too! 

They leave. 

  
**FOURTEEN**

Shirley and Krstin found a beaten path and have been on it for nearly half an hour. 

Kristin- I don't wanna sound pessimistic, but what if we don't find them? 

Shirley- I don't want to think about that possibility... 

Suddenly, they hear a noise. 

Kristin- What was that? 

Shirley- It sounded familiar... (she looks around, then points) There they are! 

They run over 

Lenny's asleep {That's quite an unmistakeable sound he makes} and Lauren is stil out. 

Shirley (shaking Lenny lightly)- Len, wake up. 

Lenny (groggily)- Huh... wha- Shirl! (he sits up) You cam lookin' for us! 

Shirley- We had to... (she looks over at Kristin) Wake her up... 

Lenny- She passed out... she's burning up. 

Kristin (puts her hand on Lauren's forehead)- He's right... She wasn't kiddin' about not feeling good yesterday. 

Shirley- It's all my fault... 

Lenny- No, it ain't, Shirl. You didn't know. 

Shirley- Yeah... but I feel guilty. 

Kristin- But you said you radioed for help. 

Shirley- That doesn't mean they'll find us. I couldn't tell where we are! 

Lenny- Ladies! Knock it off! C'mon, now. Where're Laverne and Squiggy? 

Shirley- We left them at the plane. 

Kristin- All we gotta do is follow the path. 

Shirley- Wait, what about Lauren? 

Lenny- Well, I carried her all morning. I guess a little more won't kill me... 

  
**FIFTEEN**   
at the plane 

Squiggy's asleep (and snoring very loudly). 

Laverne is staring off in the direction that Shirley and Kristin went in. She suddenly hears voices. 

O.S. Shirley- We're almost there. (she pauses) Just don't drop her! 

O.S. Lenny (whining)- She's gettin' heavy... 

They appear from the path. 

Laverne (jumping up)- You found 'em!... Oh, my gosh! What happened to Lauren? 

Kristin- She's got a fever. 

Laverne- Well, put 'er down. (she starts looking around) Gotta find some water... 

Suddenly, they hear a noise. 

Shirley- A helicopter! (she points) They found us!... 

  
**SIXTEEN**   
Lauren & Kristin's apartment, the next day 

Kristin (bringing a drink over to Lauren, who's sitting on the couch)- Boy, you look alot better than ya did yesterday. 

Lauren (half smiling)- Thanks... I don't feel much better, though. 

Kristin- Don't worry about it. (she goes to the door) I'll go get our grocery shopping done. (she opens the door; Lenny's there, looking like he was about to knock) Hi... Bye. (she leaves) 

Lenny (coming in)- Ya want a visitor? 

Lauren- Of course I do! 

Lenny (sitting next to her)- I wasn't sure... 

Lauren- Len... thanks. 

Lenny (confused)- For what? 

Lauren- For everything. (she pauses) Uh, would ya mind takin' a raincheck on a kiss until I'm not sick anymore? 

Lenny- Okay... but, in that case, you better get well soon! 

  
THE END :)~


End file.
